Who Not To Date

High school years and possibly middle school years may bring on dating. While it is supposed to be a pleasant experience, many girls and boys find themselves entrapped in a web of deceit and control. What are the clues that you may be spiraling downward into a sick relationship that may leave you abused—emotionally and physically? The signs are right here:

1. Extreme Jealousy. This person will call you constantly or visit you unexpectedly. They just “pop” in. You may think he/she cares for you but it is really about control. They want to make sure you are not with someone else. They are spying. You may be prevented from going anywhere with someone because you may meet someone new. They expect you to check in constantly.
2. Controlling. You may be interrogated about whom you talked to and where you were. They may insist that you give them all the money you make. They may threaten to hurt themselves if you ever leave and even say that you will never find anyone else if you leave them. They may ask you to do questionable things as evidence that you love them.
3. Unrealistic Expectation. This person may expect you to be perfect. Don’t gain weight. Wear your hair “this” way. You must meet every need or you are the problem, not them.
4. Isolation. You may be cut off from family and friends. Everyone else is the “enemy” and out to get them. Everyone is “causing trouble” to break you up. They may even demand you give up your cell phone, car or job to prove you love them.
5. Blames Others for Problems and Mistakes. It is always someone else’s fault. Nothing is their fault. The world is against them and you must prove your loyalty. The relationship is always a test.
6. Makes Everyone Else Responsible For His/Her Feelings. This person may say, “You make me angry” instead of, “I am angry.” It is always someone else that is causing the problem. They are the victim and you are supposed to fix it.
7. Hypersensitivity. This person is so easily insulted that you find yourself walking on egg shells trying not to say the wrong thing. Ranting and raving about little things are a normal part of life to them.
8. Cruelty to Animals and to Children. This person may kill or punish animals brutally. This is not a good sign. They may also make small children cry. Do they expect children to do things beyond their ability? These are dangerous signs.
9. Verbal Abuse. This person constantly criticizes you. He or she says blunt, cruel, hurtful things. They regularly call you ugly names.
10. Demanding. This person expects you to serve and obey. Your needs are not important – only theirs.
11. Sudden Mood Changes. This person may switch from sweet to explosive in a matter of minutes. Of course, they will blame you for the change.
12. Past Battering. This person may admit to past battering but will justify it by saying someone else made them do it. If they hit you, they will say that it isn’t a big deal. Gifts will appear along with begging for forgiveness—repeatedly. They may even laugh at you for thinking their behaviors are wrong. You make them lose their cool. You are old-fashioned, selfish, and disloyal. They may even say that you are lucky they put up with you.
13. Threats of Violence. This person may make statements like, “I’ll break your neck,” or “I’ll kill you,” and then say they were just kidding. They threaten you to keep you by saying, “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself.” “I just can’t be responsible for what I do if you leave.” All the responsibility for the relationship falls on you.
14. Mr. Wonderful. They will always be cordial and kind in front of other people. They may especially be great around those to whom you are most likely to go for help. Their abusive behaviors will be in private. That way, if you mention the abusive behavior to others, they will tend not to believe you. This manipulation will keep you trapped.

These are the 14 traits of an abuser. If most of them are checked off, get out now. But, remember to be strong because they will want you to come back. After all, they have spent a lot of time grooming you to put up with the abuse. Someone new will take time to train.

Mrs. Pytel
K-8 Counselor

• The Fourth Born
• The Third Born
• The Second Born
• The First Born
• The Only Child
• Introduction to Birth Order Plus
• Internet Safety
• Help With Homework—Study Buddy

• The Teen Brain
• Cheating
• Why Bullying Cannot Be Tolerated and How Can I Help My Child Be More Organized?
• Natural Consequences
• Raising Confident Children